Having A Little Rant About Health Stuff

I thought I would write a diary entry right now as I am not feeling that great. If I am completely honest, I feel really frustrated and writing is a coping mechanism for me, so I thought I would vent to you about how having an ovarian cyst affected me emotionally when I did not know what was actually wrong with me, because my god, I could write a book on that. I am also stressed that I have to wait even longer for surgery, but it is what it is.

I was initially told I would be on an urgent waiting list for up to 4 weeks to have surgery but the wait is growing even longer and it is becoming unbearable. I am so grateful for the NHS and I truly do not know what I would do without it as never in a million years could I afford private healthcare. The surgery I must have would have cost me thousands if I was to go private, so I am eternally grateful to the wonderful NHS, but the fact it may take another month or so for me to finally get this surgery is really hard to come to terms with. I know they would have me in for surgery tomorrow if they had the room but that is not the case. They will call me if they have an opening, but I am looking at the end of April/Start Of May until I get a date. I really just want to go back to work and back to my normal routine but I can not do that yet. I feel like a bit of a bum because I currently am signed off of work, but there is no way I could do my job as I am right now and I was advised not to go back til after this is all over with. If you do not already know, I work in a school with children on the autistic spectrum and getting hit, punched and jumped on is just a part of my job. I love my job and I love the kids, but obviously, it is not a job you can do when you have a giant cyst. I am making the most of this free time doing things like blogging, writing and scrap booking and lots of resting as moving too much isn’t all that fun right now.

I used to be scared to have the surgery but now I can not wait. This thing is growing inside of me and it has caused enough damage as it is and I dread to think of what damage it could still be doing.  It is so huge. I am too nervous to post a picture right now, but I look 9 months pregnant and everything hurts. I am only a petite person; i am 5’2 and have a really small frame and this thing is so bloody heavy to carry, not to mention the emotional weight that comes with it. I guess I sound like I am feeling a bit too sorry for myself right now as I am fully aware that others have it so much worse, but this has completely changed my life. I hate how dramatic that sounds, but if I am being honest about this then I have to be honest about the thoughts I am having.

It has forced me to think about things I never dreamed I would have to think of at 20 years old. I turn 21 on the 14th of April and I have already had to accept that I may never be able to have children if they have to take out both of my ovaries. I never even wanted children and to be honest, I still do not want children and I highly doubt my mind would change, but it is just so strange to think something I am supposed to be able to biologically do could be taken from me. I always wanted to have the choice and I do not like the fact that it could be taken from me. I do not feel in control of my own body and that scares me. I would go in to surgical menopause if I lost both ovaries and I am simply not ready for that. It may not even happen but I can’t help but think about it, as it is a possibility. It is weird enough that I have to lose one ovary as I feel like I am losing a part of myself.

I have thought about all the complications of this surgery as naturally, you just do. What if they put me to sleep and I never wake up? There are so many things I still want to do with my life and so many people I love that I do not want to leave behind. It is just fucking surgery. People go through this and worse ALL THE TIME. I am trying to keep my head screwed on as best I can. Complications are incredibly rare and I will be in the best hands possible but I still can’t help but think of the worst.  However, I am still thinking of the positives. In fact, the positives make it even more of an unbearable wait, funnily enough, because I am so excited about getting better (and having a cute flat stomach after surgery).

Emotional Trauma 

This whole entire thing really fucked with my head. Before I knew I had a cyst, I thought it was my fault that my stomach was so distended and that I was in so much pain. I thought I did not look after myself well enough. I thought I must not have been eating properly or maybe I needed to work out more and when I went to the doctor and they passed it off as IBS, I thought i would be this way for life and it absolutely devastated me. When I went to the hospital in horrific pain and they again said it was constipation and sent me home with laxatives despite the fact it was evidently NOT constipation,  (I mean seriously wtf, even my doctor thought this was ridiculous), I felt absolutely humiliated and like they were not taking me seriously. This was only in December 2016. I found out it was a cyst in February this year, so its all very fresh in my mind. I passed off extremely painful periods as normal and  just carried on with my life whilst this thing grew bigger and bigger and bigger, when it could have been prevented from getting so bad.

I did everything you can think of;  I went to the gym, tried different diets; I even went to see a colonic hydrotherapist thinking it may help get rid of some of the “bloating”. Obviously, nothing worked… and I hated myself. I became so insecure because I thought I simply wasn’t working hard enough. All this time, it was a dermoid cyst that I’ve had my entire life that just happened to grow huge in the last two years. I became angry that the doctors didn’t realise despite the concerns I raised. Yes, I am hugely grateful that the last doctor I saw listened to me and could clearly see that there was more going on which led to the cyst being discovered, but, I spent over two years hating myself, berating myself and having to deal with all sorts of unkindness from people, bashing me for my appearance and quizzing me on my lifestyle and that kind of emotional pain is not going to go away overnight. I stopped seeing friends and I completely isolated myself, because I felt so ashamed of how I looked and because I was truly just really unhappy anyway. I constantly had people telling me that maybe I just needed to lose some weight and eat healthier and when I said that nothing I was doing would make a difference, I would get called “lazy”, “weak” and again told “you just need to work harder”. I would restrict my eating and skip meals because I was too scared to eat in fear of getting bigger and because eating made my stomach feel even more uncomfortable. Everything I put myself through was for nothing. What’s done is done, but it is really upsetting to know what I was putting myself through.

Right now, I am completely at ease with everything and I honestly believe I have accepted it, but I know I wont feel like myself until this thing is out of me. I feel like an alien has invaded my body. My body right now, does not feel like my body. No word of a lie, I was a whole stone lighter before this cyst grew so big. Honestly, it’s giant and I will be weighing myself after surgery. I have already been warned that I will be significantly smaller when the swelling goes down.  When the surgeon put the CT Scan of the cyst on the screen, I was so horrified by the size that I had to ask him to take it off of the screen. It made me feel sick. My entire pelvic and abdominal area is covered by a cyst. My mum was there with me and even she was completely shocked by the size and she is not easily shocked by anything. I have never seen anything like it in my life and I can not wait to wave goodbye to it.

I wrote this post because I want to be real with you, because although I try to put on a brave face, I would be lying if I said this didn’t have a huge impact on me. Every one has been so supportive and have said that I have been dealing with this really well and I am so grateful for all of your support. It truly means the world to me and it makes everything so much easier. I have days where this all gets a bit too much for me but I guess it is completely natural to feel overwhelmed. I am just thankful that I am now in the position to start moving on and enjoying my life.

I know I may sound like I am complaining and I am just venting frustration right now, but this whole thing has made me a very grateful person. I count my blessings every single day and I am thankful for all the good in my life, even the little things like tea and biscuits. This is just a bump in the road. It will pass and I will be back to normality soon. Without struggle we can not grow stronger and I will get through this and come out the other side.

Lots Of Love,

Elizabeth

xox

 

 

4 Comments

  1. It’s horrible that you have to wait so long. I live under a different system, and insurance would take care of it expense wise. I don’t believe it would be this long of a wait though. Waiting is the worst.

    Like

  2. Pinnatifid says:

    I hope you feel better after putting all those thoughts into words. I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this especially at your age. I can’t imagine how difficult all this waiting must be. Just hang in there, is all I can say. Sending lots of love & good wishes your way!

    Liked by 1 person

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